


If You Hadn't Gone

by Shommey99



Category: Life with Derek
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Character Development, F/M, Pre-Relationship, Realizations™
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28391970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shommey99/pseuds/Shommey99
Summary: Derek had always been under the impression that once Casey finally left him alone, he’d be at peace.Until she did.
Relationships: Casey McDonald/Derek Venturi
Comments: 55
Kudos: 102





	1. Derek and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Derek is ✨obtuse✨ throughout most of this story.
> 
> Idk what this is. Just. Needed to get it out of my head.
> 
> This chapter’s title obviously comes from the book by Judith Viorst, ‘Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day’.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Derek slammed the door to the locker room hard, the frosted glass rattling dangerously. His entire body hurt from being slammed into the boards at least five times during practice. He could still hear Coach shouting at him to get his act together, and he could still feel the condescending slap that Robinson had given him in the back when he’d said ‘Great practice, Venturi.’

He scowled at the memory, getting out of the rink and walking towards the parking lot, heading for The Prince, which sat alone in the deserted lot. He was the last one to leave, having spent an extra amount of time in the showers, wishing he could drown himself.

His phone rang for the second time in the last ten minutes, and he ignored it again, shoving his hockey bag into the back seat. 

Derek drove towards the closest place he knew where they sold junk food, his hands viciously clenching on the steering wheel. Today was the worst day he’d had in a while. His alarm didn’t go off, so he slept through his first morning class, arrived half an hour late to the second one, only to find out he had failed _another_ exam. Then he had seen Casey flirting with some guy at the cafeteria, so he decided to skip lunch altogether, and then he had ran out of gas on his way to practice. To top it all off, he had the worst practice since the semester started, and now he was getting anxious that the coach would stop taking him seriously.

He got out of the car when he got to the food place, leaving his still ringing phone on the passenger’s seat. This time, he checked to see that it was, essentially, Casey’s name on the caller’s ID, and _nope_ , he was _not_ in the mood to deal with a princess freak out right now. 

Surprisingly, things started looking up the moment he stood in line to get his food, because he bumped into Angela, the pretty girl with the cornrows that sat in front of him in his Econ class. It was easy, even with his sour mood, to invite her to eat their food back at his place.

They made out at his front door, and after a while, he was able to block out the vibrating of his phone in his back pocket. Angela’s smart hands traveled down his sides enticingly, and he was already on his way out of his funk. 

But then, a shrill voice cut through the fog in his mind. “De-rek!”

Derek broke away from Angela and groaned, throwing his head back and bumping it against his front door. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

Angela turned to see an angry Casey walking down the hallway towards them. “Uh, who’s that?”

Derek shook his head, and turned to open the door to his apartment. “No one, just, wait for me inside?”

The girl eyed him suspiciously. “I don’t – “

Casey reached them just as he managed to get the door open. “Derek! I’ve been calling you for an hour, why don’t you answer your phone?”

Derek sighed and turned around to face her. “I’m a little busy, you know?” he drawled, gesturing towards Angela, who stood awkwardly next to him. 

Casey turned towards Angela as if seeing her for the first time. She blinked, turning pink. “Oh,” she said, extending her hand towards the other girl. “Hi, I’m Casey.”

Angela eyed her hand and slowly shook it, the same awkward look still coloring her features. She turned to Derek. “Um, I’m just gonna go.”

Derek shook his head. “No, no. Casey’s gonna go,” he told her, reassuringly. He then turned to Casey and gave her his most menacing glare, the one he normally used on Edwin. “Casey, _leave_.”

Casey didn’t seem fazed at all. She crossed her arms over her chest. “Not until you and I have a little chat.”

Derek rolled his eyes. “Is it charitable keener talk day? I don’t think so.”

Angela cleared her throat. “Okay, so this was fun…”

He smirked at her, trying to regain the charm that had left him the moment Casey showed up. “It will be more fun in a minute,” he said, voice dropping. Angela blushed. 

“Ew,” Casey said, scrunching up her nose. It would have been cute if he wasn’t so annoyed at her right now.

Angela snapped back to reality at Casey’s comment. She gave him a half apologetic smile and started backing away from them “I’ll call you,” she said, in a tone of voice that indicated she would do anything but call him again, and then she turned around and left.

Casey turned to him expectantly, a little self-satisfied smile adorning the corner of her mouth. That same quiet fury that had been consuming him all day came back with a vengeance, and Derek tried his best to keep it at bay. “This is _not_ the day, Space Case,” he told her, seriously. He got inside the apartment and turned around at the entrance. Casey, who had been following, almost bumped into his chest. She frowned up at him.

“Yes, it is. It’s high time we talked about this, in fact,” she declared.

Talk about what, exactly? It wasn’t like they had much to talk about anyway. They hadn’t seen much of each other since classes started about a month ago, anyway. Remembering this fact, Derek allowed his gaze to take her in, despite his urge to get away from her. 

She hadn’t changed much. Her hair was maybe a little shorter, falling in soft brown curls around her shoulders. Her cheeks were still a pretty shade of pink from the cold. The eyes were the same, sparkly blue as always. 

Derek felt his demeanor soften. “God, what the hell do you want? You have thirty seconds,” he said, grabbing the edge of the door to make it clear she wasn’t invited in. 

Casey straightened up. “You haven’t been calling the family.”

Derek rolled his eyes, his annoyance immediately coming back. “Yup, definitely not worth my time. Goodbye.” He tried closing the door, but Casey put her foot in before he could. 

“Your family is not worth your time?” she exclaimed, indignant. “Wow, Derek, that’s vile, even for you.”

“I didn’t say my family wasn’t worth my time,” Derek stressed, exasperated. “I’m saying this conversation, with _you_ , isn’t worth my time.”

“Fine!” Casey snapped, clearly offended. “No need to talk to me about it, just promise me you’ll call them tonight.”

“Anything else, mom?” 

“Yes, actually,” she huffed, haughtily. “I know it’s not your obligation to have me around anymore, but, it _is_ your obligation to pass all your exams – “

Derek pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a long-suffering sigh.

“So I’m going to help you organize yourself for studying,” she said. “We can make a study plan right now and I’ll be out of your hair in no time.”

Derek looked at her, all petulant, and judgy, and _Casey_ – and he really didn’t have time for this right now. He couldn’t deal with her _today_ of all days. “You know what? No,” he snapped, “You’re right. It’s _not_ my obligation to have you around anymore. In fact, I don’t want any help from you. I want to be alone, can you leave?”

Casey raised an eyebrow, a strange look on her face. “You didn’t want to be alone a few minutes ago,” she said slowly, looking towards the direction Angela had disappeared in. 

Derek cocked his head to the side, studying her weird expression. “Well, can’t really do what I was going to do with her with you, can I?”

Casey blushed furiously, her mouth opening and closing in shock. 

Derek knew he went too far, he had never thrown a comment so blatantly suggestive towards Casey before, but he was really off his game. Plus, it was worth it just to see that adorably scandalized expression. 

“Is that your fish impression?” He smirked at her.

“You’re disgusting!” she sputtered, indignant. 

“Not what all the other ladies say,” he assured her, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Shut up!” Casey snapped, shaking her head. “Can we please at least set a date to meet up?” she asked, directing the argument back to its roots. “Everyone is worried about you.”

“No, we can’t,” Derek said, backing away from the doorway. “Nice chat, Case. Bye.”

He tried to shove the door closed again, but Casey shoved it the other way. 

“Could you stop being so stubborn?” she grunted.

“Could you stop being so damn annoying?” he countered. 

Derek gave the door another shove, but Casey steadfastly held her ground, pushing hard against it with both her tiny hands.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Derek realized that what they were doing was pretty immature. There were warning bells of sorts going off distantly inside his head as she tried to push the door open and he tried to close it, but the feeling of alarm subsided the moment she finally released the door with a huff and rested her hand against the door frame instead.

She sighed. “Look, we all just need you to try a little harder. I know all of this change isn’t as easy for you as you’re pretending it to be.”

Derek groaned, rolling his eyes to high heavens. “Great, thanks for the totally unnecessary and unwanted advice. I’m _fine_. Can you leave now?”

“De- _rek_ ,” she whined, irritatingly. Derek’s hand gripped the edge of the door harder. “I’m here, okay? You don’t need to act all tough. I can help you if you need me.”

“I _don’t_ need you,” he stressed, with as much clarity as possible so that she would get it through her thick head. 

She paid no mind to him. “I know you generally don’t want me around when you’re stressed, but –“

“Has it occurred to you that maybe I don’t _ever_ want you around?” Derek snapped. 

Casey’s face fell at once, her mouth snapping shut. It gave him such an immense sense of mean satisfaction that he didn’t even feel bad, as he normally would have on a better day. 

Taking advantage of her momentary loss of footing, he smirked and slammed the door in her face, hoping the action conveyed the sense of finality he intended.

The next few moments happened as if in slow motion – he caught sight of her hand on the door jamb too late as he watched the door flying closed, and he barely had time to widen his eyes in horror before the terrible, crunching noise the door made against her fingers reached his ears.

“OW!” Casey screamed, retracting her hand as Derek hastily wrenched the door open and out of the way, instinctively reaching out towards her, his stomach somewhere in the vicinity of his feet. 

“Casey! Are you _insane_!?” he shouted. Because _who does that_? Who the hell puts their hand on the way of a flying, _heavy_ door? 

Casey made a whimpering noise as she cradled her hand against her stomach, doubled over in pain.

Derek grabbed her shoulder, urgent. “Let me see.” 

She wrenched away from his touch, violently. “ _Do not_ touch me,” she hissed. 

He could feel his heart pounding against his ears, adrenaline pumping through his veins, his entire body taut and alert. He ignored Casey’s threat and reached for her again. “I need to see how bad it is,” he said, the urgency in his voice making it unrecognizable to his own ears.

Casey’s teary eyes snapped up to his, full of rejection and something else – something that made the hair at the nape of his neck stand up. “Get off me, you _jerk_!”

Derek took a step away from her, both his hands coming up in a surrendering gesture. “Okay, I’m not touching you,” he reassured. The fiery look left her eyes and her entire face crumbled, giving way to the tears. She hung her head and he felt like his guts were being kicked. “Casey. Can you move them?” he asked, voice shaking.

She just sobbed in response, tears streaming down her scrunched up face. Derek’s blood ran cold. Oh _no_ , no _please_. 

“Okay, emergency room, _now_.”

Casey didn’t protest as he quickly ushered her down the hallway. He was glad to see that she had at least straightened up, her hand still firmly pressed against her stomach, hidden from his view.

The entire car ride to the hospital was silent, and Derek was filled to the brim with nervous energy. He kept chanting in his head, anxiety increasing, ‘I broke Casey’s fingers, oh my god, I fucking _broke Casey’s fingers_.’

She had stopped crying, and she sat with her lips tightly pursed on the passenger seat, her entire body turned away from him. She hadn’t put her seatbelt on, obviously because of the hand. And Derek didn’t have the guts to offer to do it for her.

Her fingers were purple by the time they made it to the hospital. They should have put them on ice immediately. Derek knew about this stuff, he didn’t know why his brain was refusing to work with him. 

They got in through the ER and walked up to the front desk. The nurse behind it looked up at them with a bored expression, and mechanically asked what happened.

Derek opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Casey was talking for the first time since they had left his building.

“It’s my hand,” she said, voice hoarse from crying. “I accidentally closed the car door on it.” Derek turned to her, frowning.

The nurse raised his eyebrows, unimpressed. “You closed the car door on your _own_ hand?”

“Yes,” Casey answered firmly, her expression unwavering, which was surprising, considering she was the worst liar Derek had ever known. He’d never seen her keep her cool while lying to an authority figure before.

The nurse then turned to Derek, who still didn’t know what the hell was happening. He eyed him critically for a long moment, and Derek looked back, unsure what the other man was looking for. 

“Okay, then,” the nurse conceded, and then proceeded to charge Casey’s information in the system. “You can go wait on those chairs; a doctor should come and see you shortly. I’ll send someone to get you some ice.”

“Thank you,” Casey said, unsmiling.

The moment they were out of earshot, Derek turned to her.

“What was that? Why did you lie to the nurse?”

Casey scoffed. She gave him a nasty look. “Do you have any idea how bad this looks?”

He stared at her, blankly. 

“Do you seriously want me to tell them that you did this? That _you_ slammed the door?”

Derek, for the millionth time in half an hour, felt like he was being punched hard in the gut. When she put it that way, yeah, it looked _terrible_.

“Okay, I get your point,” he muttered, as they sat down.

He bounced his leg up and down while they waited. Another nurse came by and gave Casey and ice pack for her hand after a few minutes. Derek saw her move her fingers out of the corner of his eye, her face wincing. His heart tugged a little, hopeful. She needed to be okay.

 _He_ needed her to be okay.

Eventually, a doctor came and took Casey for an examination, and then an x-ray to rule out anything broken.

As she disappeared into the exam room, and they were separated for the first time, Derek threw his head back and exhaled heavily through his nose, his eyes stinging. 

He kept thinking back to that moment. That split second before he had slammed the door. Did she put her hand in to stop the door from closing? Was her hand already there? – That wasn’t possible. How could he have fucking _missed_ her hand being there? 

No, she had _obviously_ put her hand in the way in the wrong moment… right? 

He thought of her pissy huff when she released the door and how she had put her hand against the frame instead.

Her hand had already been there.

It was his fault.

He’d slammed his _heavy ass_ apartment front door on Casey’s fucking fingers. He had possibly broken them. It was _his goddamn fault_. He buried his face in his hands.

Derek heard a door open to his right and looked up to see Casey exiting the x-ray room. She slowly made her way towards him and he wordlessly handed her the ice. She took it from him, eyes fixated on the wall above his head.

“We’re supposed to wait here for the results.”

He nodded – which she probably didn’t see anyway. Casey sat down, leaving a chair between them. Derek swallowed hard. His saliva felt pasty and heavy.

They waited, the only sound in the room coming from the clock on the wall. He wanted to ask her if her hand still hurt too much, but he couldn’t find his voice to do so. She also didn’t look like she wanted to talk to him right now, and he didn’t blame her. 

“Miss McDonald?” the doctor appeared back in front of them, holding Casey’s x-ray sheet in her hand. 

Casey looked up and Derek stood, his heart going into overdrive all over again. He felt like he was hearing the doctor speak from underwater, a relief so intense almost knocking him back onto his chair as she told them that nothing had broken, that it was just a lot of swelling and bruising. She did scold them and told them they should have put ice on her hand right away, but that Casey would be totally fine in no time.

The relief was short lived. The second they got back inside The Prince, a tense silence fell between them. Casey wouldn’t look at him, her eyes fixated stubbornly right ahead. Derek couldn’t help throwing worried glances her way. There was this feeling, eating away at him in the pit of his stomach – the sight of her bandaged hand carefully placed on her lap made him want to swerve the car into a ditch. 

He parked the car outside of Casey’s dorm building. He’d half expected her to huff, get out of the car and slam the door, but instead, she stayed put, carefully still, her eyes still burning holes on the dashboard. 

Derek knew he had to say something. She was clearly waiting for something, and he needed to say it.

“I’m sorry,” he said. His voice came out hoarse, a result of not using it for a while and also, the fact that his throat still felt like it didn’t have enough space for air to pass. He couldn’t remember the last time he had apologized to Casey, but he’d never forget this one.

He waited with bated breath as silence stretched between them, his gaze fixed on a paper bag blowing in the wind outside. 

At last, Casey spoke up. “Well, you _did_ warn me to stay away from you.”

He whipped his head around to look at her so fast, he nearly got dizzy. “I _did not_ ,” he said, forcefully, with as much clarity and seriousness as he could muster, “Do that on _purpose_.”

Casey didn’t even flinch at his tone. “Whatever,” she drawled, looking out of her window. “You’re getting your wish, anyway.”

Derek’s eyebrows furrowed together. “What?”

Casey turned to look at him, her steely eyes hard and unforgiving. “You wanted me away from you? I’m staying far away.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” he exclaimed, shaking his head in confusion. 

“I don’t think we should be around each other,” she shrugged simply, as if it wasn’t the most ridiculous thing she had ever said to him.

“Casey – “

She put her uninjured hand up to silence him. “Look, we never really got along. You obviously _don’t_ like me…” she said, scrunching up her nose in distaste as he felt his stomach drop. “And I’m seriously starting to feel like I don’t like _you_.”

Derek felt as if he was falling backwards into a black hole, his hands reaching out for something to grab on, but finding there was nothing there to help him. His breathing became shallower, desperation like he had never felt before taking over him.

“Okay,” he said, trying to take a deep calming breath. “You’re blowing this _way_ out of proportion.”

“Am I?” Casey questioned seriously, seemingly unaware of his inner turmoil. “Tell me that we have a normal relationship.”

Derek stayed silent. There was nothing he could’ve say to counter that argument; they’d never had even a semblance of a normal relationship. Anyone who watched them from outside could easily tell you that, and if they looked even closer, they’d probably find even deeper, more fucked up things than what merely meets the eye.

Casey kept going, prompted by his silence. “Tell me that it’s okay that we were fighting and you slammed a door on my fingers.”

He got defensive at that. “It was just an accident! It happens!”

Casey turned to him with intense, hard eyes, and it was enough to make him clam up. “Tell me you like me.”

Derek just watched her – her eyebrows raised and expectant, her big blue eyes shining, almost hopeful. Her soft, pink mouth pursed in a frown. His heart turned over with the familiarity of the expression, and something else he didn’t dare to name just yet.

 _I do_. He wanted to say. But for some reason, he couldn’t. It was such a simple thing, but the admission felt too big, the car too small, the moment too intimate. He _couldn’t_ do intimacy with Casey, he just couldn’t. 

So he didn’t say anything.

Casey’s eyes welled up with tears and she bit down hard on her bottom lip, releasing his gaze and turning to face forward again. “You obviously don’t want me around. I don’t even know why I keep _pushing_. I should just let you be.”

Derek’s heart fell down to his stomach, and he felt something akin to panic crawling its way up his throat. “Casey, come on, it was just a freak accident, it’s not like a – a sign, or whatever your crazy brain is coming up with.”

“But it _is_ a sign Derek, we are bad for each other,” she said, gravelly. There was something sad in the way she was handling herself, but it was mostly swallowed by her anger. “We fight all the time and I don’t want to do it anymore, so just – stay away from me, okay?” 

She tried to open the passenger door, and he hastily threw the lock on. She narrowed her eyes at him, a lonely tear escaping through her eyelashes and rolling down her cheek. Derek closed his eyes, his hands coming up to pull at the ends of his hair in frustration. 

“Come on Casey, don’t do this. I’ll already have enough punishment from the ‘rents when they find out. Don’t make this any harder.”

He knew he fucked up the moment his statement was met with heavy, damning silence. He slowly, dreadfully opened his eyes to see Casey looking at him incredulously. 

“Are you kidding me?”

“What?”

Casey shook her head, baffled. “ _That’s_ what you’re worried about? _The ‘rents_? You – you are so _selfish_.” She spat the word out with so much disgust, Derek felt like all the contents of his stomach where pressing to get out. 

She tried getting out of the car again, but Derek quickly grabbed her arm, preventing her from leaving.

“Casey, _I’m sorry_ ,” he pressed. He knew there was a hint of desperation in his tone, and normally he would’ve felt embarrassed at appearing so vulnerable in front of _Casey_ of all people, but something in his gut was telling him, rather urgently, that there was no way that he could let her out of his sight right now. Not until he made it right. He had never felt like this towards her before. “You know I didn’t mean to, right?”

Casey closed her eyes, shutting him out. “Stay away from me,” she said. He had never heard her speak so seriously before, and something about the finality of her voice made his grip slacken.

She finally got out of the car. Derek stayed there, dumbstruck. Her head poked back in for a second.

“And don’t worry, I won’t tell mom or George, so you can rest assured.”

He didn’t know how long he sat there, the sound of the car door slamming still ringing in his ears, before he pulled the car back into gear and left her building’s parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this first chapter!
> 
> Just for the record, it _was_ an accident. 100%. I’m telling you. Casey knows it too. But we’ll get more of what she’s thinking later. 
> 
> See you next time.


	2. A Casey-Shaped Hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! 
> 
> **Warning:** Derek has a disturbing dream. There’s some gore and a pretty disgusting description of an injury. It’s just one sentence, but beware. 
> 
> Also, I have no idea how dorm rooms are set up at Queens, so I’m just going to make them up as it’s convenient to me, forgive me <3
> 
> It’s sad Derek hours, be prepared!
> 
> Hope you like this one!

He followed blue eyes through the crowded room, navigating in between swinging bodies. She was dancing too, but her movements were different from everyone else’s. He was captivated by the slow, swaying way her hips moved from side to side, her hands running through her long hair, strands sliding through her delicate fingers like ink. 

The club's lights bounced off her, making her glow like a darkly angel. There were plenty of people in between them, keeping them separated, but her eyes were on him too, captivating and inviting. Every time he tried to move closer to her more people seemed to come in his way, and she kept moving backwards, disappearing and reappearing through the multitude. 

But even though it seemed like she kept moving away from him, her sparkling eyes were full of promise, indicating one obvious thing – 

_Follow me and find out._

She turned around and started walking with purpose, towards the opposite end of the club. He picked up his pace, pushing past faceless people, hands grabbing at him, but he only had eyes for her – her back to him, her hair floating behind her, making it look weightless. 

The crowd had seemed endless, but suddenly she had exited the mass of people and now it was only her. She turned back for a split second, brown curls bouncing in slow motion with the movement, and her piercing blue eyes met his, glinting mischievously.

He then realized that there was a red door directly in front of her, dark and secluded. Her lips curled up in a tantalizing smile, and she winked, fluidly slipping through the door. 

His heartbeat picked up tenfold, and he got tunnel vision. He could only see the door as his feet dragged him forwards, his whole body vibrating with anticipation. What was going to happen once he opened the door? He just knew he was dying to find out. 

He extended his hand and grabbed the doorknob, turning it slowly, blood rushing through his ears. And then he was inside the room, his eyes searching for her. At first he didn’t see her, and he frowned in confusion. The room was small, empty and cold, and suddenly she was in front of him again, but she wasn’t smiling. 

She was bent over, both her hands tucked to herself against her stomach, her whole body shaking with sobs. 

His stomach dropped. “Case?”

“Derek,” she cried, straightening up, her beautiful face screwed up in sorrow. “Derek, how could you?”

And then she lifted her right hand. It was gushing with blood – big, red droplets dripping down her forearm, fingers bent grotesquely every which way, white bone protruding out of broken skin.

Derek startled awake, sitting up in bed as he gasped for air. It took a moment before his brain realized that he was in his dorm room – that there was no nightclub and no Casey. 

_No Casey._

“Fffffuck.” He shuddered, running his hands through his sweaty hair.

“Dude,” a voice called from the other side of the room. “Are you okay?”

Derek turned towards Kevin, who was propped up on his elbow on his bed, squinting at him sleepily.

“I’m fine,” he answered, voice rough.

Thankfully, his roommate wasn’t a talking-shit-out type of guy, which was one of the main reasons why Derek liked him. So Kevin just nodded and turned over in bed, dragging his covers up to his head.

Derek took another deep, shaky breath. He looked down towards his lap and grimaced. He didn’t think he could take care of _that_ with the image of Casey’s mangled hand still flashing behind his eyelids.

So he threw his legs over the edge of the bed and stood up wobbly on the cold floor, heading towards the bathroom. 

He washed his face with cold water and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He sighed. There were dark circles under his eyes, a result of a week of terrible sleep.

He’d been waiting for his dad’s call every day since he’d last seen Casey, but it never came – which meant that she had kept to her word and didn’t tell their parents about the incident.

Which meant that he hadn’t heard from, or seen her in a week. 

More than dreading that call, he’d been kind of hoping it would come. He didn’t know why, exactly, but the fact that she refused to even have the ‘rents punish him only made him feel worse.

And also, he’d never thought that going a week without Casey would have been the absolute opposite of what he’d always thought it would be. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t freedom. 

It was _torture_. It was thinking about her every waking moment, and then dreaming about her at night. It was constant worry, and soul consuming fucking guilt. 

He felt so goddamn guilty. 

It wasn’t a nice change of pace from how he normally lived. 

And it wasn’t like he could just go over to her and like – _beg_ for her forgiveness. Or offer himself as her personal slave, or give her full control of The Prince for a year, or any other deal that could have saved his ass before.

No, she had been perfectly clear this time. 

_Stay away from me._

They had never been good with boundaries. In fact, he couldn’t think of a single time that Casey had set a boundary that he had respected. It just wasn’t their style – neither of them respected each other’s space, the metaphorical line in the sand was always crossed without batting an eyelash. 

But this… this felt impossible to cross. He just wouldn’t – _couldn’t_ cross this boundary. 

But he was going insane. He needed something from her, just some clue or sign that they could go back to normal.

Because they _had_ to go back to normal, right? 

This was bad, but it wasn’t irreversible. 

_Right?_

In a split second decision, he was back in the room, rummaging through his bed sheets for his phone. Kevin was already fast asleep again. 

When he found it, he walked out into the hallway, closing the apartment door – he fucking _hated_ that door – behind him. 

He was calling her before he knew what he was doing. 

She had said to stay away, she didn’t say anything about not calling her. 

_Bam_ , a loophole!

His heart hammered in his chest as her phone rang and rang. 

What time was it, again? 

“Hello?”

He jumped. “Case – wait. Who is this?”

The girl that had picked up answered, “Derek? This is Cathy.”

Derek frowned at the phone. _Who?_

“Casey’s roommate?” she said, “We went out once?”

“Oh, right,” he said. _When?_ “Uh, where’s Casey?”

“She’s right here,” Cathy said perkily. “She told me to pick up and ask you – “

“Ask me what?”

“Are you dying?”

“ _What_?”

“Are you dying?” Cathy repeated, slowly, as if he was stupid.

“Uh, no?”

“Great!” she said, “Then goodnight. Don’t call again.” 

And then she hung up on him. 

He stayed there for a few seconds, staring at the blank hallway wall, his phone still pressed to his ear. Slowly, he pressed his back against the door and sank to the floor, his face finding his knees once he was seated. 

If Casey didn’t want anything to do with him unless he was actually dying, he figured he could do the one thing she _did_ want him to do. 

When morning came, he called home. 

Hearing Marti’s voice over the phone provoked a strong, visceral reaction, and he thought that maybe, unconsciously, that was the reason he had been putting off making the call. 

Derek had known college wouldn’t be easy, he wasn’t stupid. But he’d somehow thought that the hard part was only going to be related to actual school work.

He'd never thought that _everything_ was going to be hard.

Back home, he’d owned his town, his school. Every single person there knew his name, knew who he was and what he represented, and it was easy for him to live that reputation that he had spent his entire life building. 

He’d never had to work from the beginning. He had never been in a place where people not only didn’t know him, they also didn’t care. 

And sure, there were parties, and he’d never had a hard time making friends. But the name – the _empire_ – that was Derek Venturi just… didn’t exist here. 

He didn’t know his professors or how to charm them, he didn’t know his classmates, his teammates didn’t automatically trust him or his skill. And the hardest part of all – and he truly wasn’t ready for how much this would hit him – his family wasn’t there when he came back home from facing all of it. 

Feeling _homesick_ wasn’t something he had factored in when he’d thought about how hard college was going to be. 

And maybe if he had listened to Casey last week, things wouldn’t have gotten as fucked up as they were now. 

So, he decided he could make things her way, even if she wouldn’t be there to flash him one of her radiant, proud smiles when she found out.

He started paying attention in class. He showed up, he sat, he listened. He sometimes took notes. Another week went by, and suddenly he was in his Econ class again, and there was Angela, throwing him an uncomfortable look when their eyes met.

Derek hadn’t talked to her since that awkward encounter they’d had with Casey. Why would he? It had been a date lost, and he wasn’t interested in finishing whatever they had started that day. He had never felt the need to talk things out with a girl when things didn’t work out before, but he was trying to become a better person, a person Casey wouldn’t be disappointed in. He cringed inwardly, and in between one insane thought and impulsive decision, he was clearing his throat.

“Hey,” he called softly out to her, tentatively. Angela turned around with a wary expression on her face. Derek cleared his throat again. “About the other day. That was really… awkward. Sorry,” he said, lamely.

“Oh, yeah.” She blinked, and then cracked a little smile. “Thanks.”

She turned back to face forwards for a second before turning back to him again, her shiny braids flying with the motion. She sent him an awkward smile. “I’m sorry if it brought problems with your girlfriend,” she said sympathetically, as if she wasn’t actually apologizing – since she hadn’t done anything wrong – but more like a… _common courtesy_ kind of thing, as Casey would say.

His chest constricted. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Ex?”

“Nope.”

Angela’s lips turned up in a knowing smirk. “It’s complicated?”

Derek snorted, “Very.”

So what if he didn’t disclose the actual ‘complicatedness’ of their relationship? It wasn’t like it mattered anyway, since Casey seemed to be decidedly done with him. 

Angela nodded with understanding. “Is she still mad at you?”

He shook his head. “I don’t think ‘mad’ even begins to cover it.”

“Well, you seem to have a real shot here. She seemed willing to talk about it,” Angela said confidently, leaning casually against her chair to be closer to him. How was it that not five minutes ago she seemed ready to run the opposite direction from him, but now she wanted to give him advice? Maybe Casey did have a point with the whole apologizing and trying to be a better person thing. 

His heart squeezed painfully in his chest again.

“Somehow, I managed to fuck up even worse after you left,” he confessed, ashamed.

Angela’s pretty face screwed up in a cringe. “Did you say sorry?”

“Yeah.”

The knowing smirk was back. “Was it as bland as your apology to me?”

Derek felt rightfully offended. “Hey! I tried really hard with that one.”

The girl sighed, bracing her forearms against his desk. “You’re not very good at apologizing, are you?”

 _No shit._

“Nope.”

Angela rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Apologize to her again. Try to mean it, this time.”

Derek looked away from her. This conversation was already turning unpleasant. Maybe this was why he just let things be. People got clingy, and things got awkward. 

“She doesn’t want to see me,” he stressed, a little forcefully.

“Okay, look.” She tossed her hair over her shoulder, a move that conveyed she meant business. “Normally, I’m an advocate of honoring people’s wishes when they tell you to get lost. But –” Her voice softened. “You seem to really care for her, I can tell.” Something weird must have shown in his face, because Angela rolled her eyes at him. “Don’t even try to deny it, Derek. I saw the way you looked at her. And she seemed to really care about you too, so you should try harder.”

Derek simply stared at her. The way _he_ looked at Casey? What was this girl on about? 

A frown set on her face as she examined his face. Derek felt uncomfortably exposed. “Unless…” Angela trailed off.

“Unless what?”

She shrugged. “Unless you _don’t_ care.”

The professor decided that that was the perfect moment to come in to begin the class, and Angela sent Derek one last cryptic look before turning on her chair to face the front. 

He replayed those words in his head for the entire duration of the lecture.

_Unless you don’t care._

That was the problem, wasn’t it? 

Casey thought he didn’t care. 

_You are so selfish._

She’d gotten it all wrong. 

His feet carried him towards her dorm after class before he could fully realize what he was doing, without stopping for even just a second to think. 

How did you tell someone you cared about them without actually saying it? – No, scratch that, how did _he_ tell _Casey_ he cared about her without actually saying it? 

Derek had been known – much to his chagrin – to flash his so called ‘heart of gold’ on occasion, when situations were dire. He had done it with his father, with his siblings, with girls, but… he’d never had to do it with Casey. He’d never needed to pretend to be someone he wasn’t with her. She understood him. She knew that there were things that just didn’t come easily for him. Things that made him uncomfortable.

She always found a way to understand him without him actually having to express the shit he was feeling into words. So, he needed to find a way to make her understand now. 

Casey was mad because she thought that he was selfish and didn’t care about her – 

– Oh, and the whole _slamming a door on her fingers_ part. 

Derek cringed, losing nerve at her front door.

Okay, so maybe some things _were_ unforgivable.

_A door on her fucking fingers._

He debated if this was worth it. Maybe if someone told you to fuck off, you really should listen to them –It was no lie that if Casey had listened to him when he’d told her to get lost, this wouldn’t have happened.

He shoved that thought away. Maybe he _was_ too selfish for his own good. 

But, then again, he couldn’t have Casey not speaking to him. He just _couldn’t_. 

He knocked.

Not five seconds later, a red-headed girl opened the door, and he realized in that moment just how stupid this little spur-of-the-moment idea was.

Girls loved to unit forces against people who wronged them. If one hated you, all their friends did too. It was just how the world worked. And he had totally forgotten about his little chat with Casey’s roommate over the phone the other day. Surely _every single girl_ at this dorm building hated his guts.

But, he was surprised when the girl at the other side of the threshold _beamed_ at him. 

“Oh, hi! It’s Derek, right?” she said amicably, leaning against the doorframe. 

“Uh, yeah?” he said, confusedly. 

“I’m Jen,” she explained, “We met the day Casey moved in?”

“Oh. Yeah, I remember.”

“Is your little feud with Casey over?” she asked.

Derek’s brows furrowed further. “Little feud?”

“Yeah,” Jen laughed. “The other day she told Cathy to pick up her phone and tell you not to call her again. We just assumed you were having one of your fights.”

He stared at her at a loss. Casey hadn’t…? 

“She didn’t tell you what happened?” Derek asked, shocked.

Jen laughed again, “Isn’t she always mad at you for one reason or another?”

 _Always?_ They hadn’t even been at Queen’s for two months. How often did Casey talk about him? 

And why hadn’t she told her friends about what her wicked step-brother had done to her? Casey loved venting to the world about all the ways he found to ruin her life. So why hadn’t she gone and talked shit about him to her friends – as he deserved – and turn them all against him?

Casey _lived_ for that shit.

And then it hit him. When did Casey keep quiet about things? When did she silence her feelings, and kept things hidden from the world? 

When she was ashamed. 

Derek had hurt her so badly, that she was ashamed to tell people about it. She hadn’t even told his father and Nora.

She was _ashamed_ of him. 

Derek felt his stomach turn over with nausea, sick with guilt. And suddenly he wanted to run away, to hide from Jen’s kind smile, and Angela’s encouraging words, and Casey’s disappointment in him. 

He snapped out of his troubling thoughts when Jen spoke again, “Casey’s taking a nap in her room; you can come in if you want.”

“Casey doesn’t nap.”

It was just fact. She didn’t nap. She was always the most productive during the day, she always made sure to get a good night sleep. Casey didn’t nap. 

Jen threw him a sly grin. “She had a late night.”

“She – “

She _what_? Doing _what_? With _whom_? 

It felt weird, because, Derek had never really thought of what Casey could be doing when she wasn’t around him. He didn’t really know what she had been up to this past month and a half, and it felt weird – not knowing her whereabouts, or who she hung out with, or who she dated. Was it that guy he saw her talking with at the cafeteria that awful day? 

Why was it even a _late night_? 

His stomach turned again.

In all his internal rambling he hadn’t even noticed that Jen had led him towards Casey’s room, and suddenly he was standing in the doorway, frozen. 

Casey was lying in her bed, fast asleep, her hair in disarray over her pillow, her mouth slightly open. Her injured right hand was poking out from under the covers, unbandaged. He noticed the bruises were healing, turning a yellowish-green color. 

Derek felt a lump form in his throat at the sight, his heart hammering in his chest. It felt kind of bizarre, getting the urge to cry. He never cried, but he just felt so fucking guilty and ashamed. _He_ did that to her.

Taking a deep breath, he averted his eyes and looked around her room instead. It was tiny. Casey lived in a three-room apartment dorm, so all the rooms were little boxes without any real space save for a desk, a dresser and the bed. He had never seen the room fully set up. Everything was colorful like her room back home; her little desk was perfectly arranged with neat stacks of papers and textbooks, pens and markers carefully sorted by color and function. She had a week organizer pinned to her wall above the desk, a little red ‘T’ marked on Thursday catching his attention.

He heard a soft sigh from behind him and quickly turned around, just in time to see Casey stirring. He _really_ should have come here with a plan. 

“Casey,” he called, voice trembling slightly.

Casey’s eyes snapped open and she quickly sat up, looking at him confusedly. “How did you get in?” Her voice came out all sleepy and raspy, and he felt a shiver go down his spine.

“Jen let me in.”

“What do you want?” 

She seemed to realize then that his eyes had drifted downwards towards her hand again, and she hastily set her hand on her lap, away from his view. His heart tugged painfully.

Casey was wearing her hideously pink signature pajamas, and for the first time, the only word that came to his mind with the familiarity of the sight was _adorable_. Something rattled inside him, a feeling so strong – not unfamiliar exactly, but more urgent than he had ever felt it before.

He didn’t know what to say, and he wanted to kick himself for coming here unprepared, but he assumed that acting like he’d always done was the way to go. After all, he wanted to prove to her that he didn’t want her out of his life, that he wanted things to get back to normal more than anything.

So – 

“Why, Casey, can’t I pay a visit to my favorite step-sister?”

Casey shook her head. “No, I can’t – you need to leave.”

Derek frowned. She seemed nervous. Not just angry, but downright nervous to have him there. Her hands were wringing on her lap, and her eyes kept bouncing around the room. 

He raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. “So early? We haven’t even had dinner yet.”

“Are you insane?” Casey hissed, finally getting angry. “What on earth makes you think I want to have dinner with you?”

Derek felt a pang at her tone. “Well, didn’t you want to help me with my studies?”

Casey crossed her arms over her chest. “I most certainly don’t want anything to do with you now.”

_Ouch._

Not only was it difficult to keep up the act with how goddamn guilty he felt. There was also the fact that she wouldn’t meet his eyes for some reason. He couldn’t quite get it right without eye contact from her.

He pushed. “Aw, come on Spacey, I need your help.”

She stayed quiet for a few seconds, her brow furrowed and her eyes on her purple duvet. Marti had helped her pick it out while shopping for college. Derek felt another wave of homesickness.

He just felt sick altogether. 

Finally, she looked up, her eyes just to the left of his head. He wanted to scream out in frustration. “And I need you gone.” He didn’t know what his face did – his insides certainly did a lot – but Casey rushed to add, “Plus, I have a date tonight, so leave.” Her entire face screamed lie.

Derek took a step closer to her, and she tensed up. He stopped. “Are you seriously going to turn me away in my time of need?” he teased, but it came out flat and wobbly.

Casey scoffed. “You don’t need me, Derek. You’re just immature and lazy.”

His shoulders slumped and he finally dropped the act. 

“Case,” he said, voice softer.

“No, Derek!” Casey shouted, getting up from the bed and walking towards her door. She didn’t even break his name in half, and he was pretty sure that if hearts could break, his would be in pieces right now. “I don’t want to hear it.” Instead of closing the door so that Jen wouldn’t hear as he thought she was going to do, she stood beside the doorway with her arms crossed, clearly expecting him to get out. 

“Can I please just talk to you about this?” he pleaded. Hell, his voice was practically _begging._

“There is nothing to talk about,” she said, voice stone cold. “Things are perfectly clear between us.”

“No, they aren’t,” he snapped at her, throwing his arms out in frustration. “Things are all kinds of fucked up!”

“Well, maybe they are supposed to be this way.”

“What?” Derek shook his head, baffled. “Do you even hear what you’re saying?”

Casey narrowed her eyes at him. “Do _you_ hear what I’m saying? I don’t want to talk to you! I don’t even want to be in the same room as you, so go!”

“We’ve always had fights before! What is it about this that – “

“Stop,” she cut him off, forcefully.

Derek continued, heedless of her warning. “Is it because of what I said?”

“Derek.”

“We’ve always been like this!”

“Well, maybe it’s time to grow the hell up!” she shouted. 

Derek reeled away from her, eyes widening at the outburst. 

“Casey,” he pleaded again, voice barely audible. 

She shook her head, still not looking him in the eye. “No, I can’t do this right now. Leave. Please.”

He stayed there, feet glued to the floor. Casey was staring down towards her feet – her stance had relaxed somewhat, her arms had lowered a little and were now hugging her waist, instead of crossed at her chest. 

Derek had this urge – to reach out, and… and touch her, shake her, _something_. He just wanted _so much_. And it wasn’t the first time he’d felt it with her, but never as strong, never as desperate as right this moment.

“You know what our problem is?” Casey spoke up again, quietly. Derek distantly thought it was funny, the way she said it. _Our problem._ It was always our, not _you_ or _me_ – our. _Us._ That was always the way it was with them. Or the way it had been. “We never respected each other’s boundaries,” she said. Then shook her head and scoffed, and Derek thought he saw a little bit of self-deprecation underneath her accusing tone. “God knows that’s what led as here. So please, let’s just respect them once and forever. Leave me alone.”

His heart dropped. And really, what else could he have said then?

“Okay.”

He left her alone.

When he got to his dorm, he called home again.

\---

The following week was awful. Derek went through the motions. Waking up, going to class, trying to pay attention, going home. Giving his all in practice, being kinder to his teammates, trying to feel pride when Coach smiled at him with satisfaction. 

But there was a hole in him. A goddamn, Casey-shaped hole eating away at everything inside of him.

How was it possible to miss a person you normally barely tolerate so much? And it wasn’t just not seeing her that was killing him – it was the notion that he _couldn’t_ see her. That she wasn’t in his life anymore and that she didn’t want to be, and that it was all his fault and he couldn’t find a way to fix it. 

He saw her, sometimes, from afar. Walking through the quad with her textbooks hugged to her chest, eating at the cafeteria, reading under a tree when it wasn’t so cold and the sun engulfed her, making her pale skin sparkle. 

Derek started noticing something new, not exactly about her, but about the whole watching her from afar thing – he wasn’t the only one. He’d never really noticed before, but Casey turned heads. It was as if her magnetism didn’t affect only him, boys and the occasional girl followed her with their eyes, people smiled at her, she made people _look_. He had always noticed her, but he had never noticed that everyone else did too, because his attention was always centered on her.

Everyone noticed Casey. She wasn’t, for lack of a better word to describe it, _his_ as he had always perceived her to be. And having her be for the whole world except for him, made Derek feel a whole range of new things, his heart beating painfully inside his chest. It was… something he couldn't quite describe. 

He felt on the verge of _something_. As if there was this thing hidden inside of him that he’d always overlooked but now demanded he noticed. He just didn’t know what it was yet. 

And he was afraid to know what it was. 

Last year, Lizzie had been working on a school project about Greek mythology. She had talked about a story, of a girl named Pandora and a box. He couldn’t remember exactly how it went because he had been trying to watch a game on the TV as she rambled on and on, but he remembered that Pandora had been told not to open the box, and her curiosity had gotten the best of her. 

Derek remembered he had thought that maybe he would have opened the box too, if only just to be rebellious. 

Now, he felt like he had his own box inside of him, rattling incessantly, begging to be opened and release all the shit it had inside. His entire being ached with the need to open it, but he wanted to heed all the warnings his mind was screaming at him. _Don’t open it just yet._ He wasn’t ready to release all of that upon himself.

\---

On his fourth week of misery, his teammates invited him to go out. He hadn’t gone out since what had happened, and he hadn’t really felt like it. 

But… he was doing fine. For once, he was being responsible, and doing well. Calling his family, focusing on his studies, being a decent guy. And he had been blowing off his friends for weeks. 

So, what if Casey wasn’t there anymore? He couldn’t just beat himself up forever. At some point he had to move on and start living again. 

So he said yes. 

It was Friday night and they went to one of Kingston’s most popular nightclubs. He was a few drinks in when he started to actually have fun. It felt good, to let go of everything that had been weighing him down for a month. To for once let go of the worry and the guilt, and just be himself.

He could do this. He could be himself again.

Who needed Casey? She was fine, he was fine. They were going to be okay. 

And he had almost convinced himself of this when he bumped into a blonde girl, vaguely familiar when he turned to apologize.

“Oh, Derek!” The girl shouted over the music, a delighted look on her face.

He looked at her for a few moments in confusion, trying to place her face, when suddenly her name came to the front of his mind.

Cathy.

“Oh. Hey,” he said, the memory of their phone call still painfully fresh in his mind. 

“You’ve certainly been MIA these days,” she laughed, “It’s funny, we were just talking with the girls –“ And all of a sudden, he couldn’t hear her anymore, because her thumb pointed backwards towards two girls leaning against the bar, one with long red hair, and the other – 

Brown, shiny curls. Legs for days. The most piercing blues eyes he had ever seen. He’d recognize her anywhere. She was wearing dark skinny jeans and a sparkly silver top.

He stopped breathing for a second. She was _right there_.

As if it was a magnetic pull, she looked up and her eyes met his from across the room.

Okay, change of plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!
> 
> Casey sure seems to have a lot on her mind...
> 
> See you next time <3


	3. Pandora's Box

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Here it is, the last chapter.
> 
> Thank you all again for your nice reviews! 
> 
> I just wanted to say, that I’m obviously not a therapist or a psychologist. All of this is just my personal interpretation of the characters’ thoughts and feelings. 
> 
> Also, I can’t fucking believe I am not inspired for days on end, and then on one single day I manage to write an entire chapter, while listening to the goddamn _Shrek soundtrack_. My brain is rotten. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

He pushed past Cathy in one fluid motion, cutting her off mid-rant. He was only half-aware of this fact, because every other fiber of his being had its attention on another girl, across the room from him – wide eyed and ready to run.

Pushing past the multitude of people standing between them reminded him of his dream, except the girl he was going after now wasn’t expecting him to follow her. She was _escaping_. 

And maybe he should’ve taken the hint, but if he didn’t get some _sort_ of closure, he was going to lose it. 

Also, the alcohol may have loosened his previous inhibitions a little bit. 

She was pushing her way towards the exit, away from him, Jen forgotten at the bar. She’d had a head start, but he was faster, now thanking life for the hockey reflexes, and he was cutting her path in mere seconds. 

_Not so fast, Case._

Casey tried to sidestep him, but Derek stepped right in front of her again, denying her escape. She shot a quick glare up at him, before setting her eyes stubbornly over his shoulder, looking towards the club’s exit with purpose. 

“Do you mind?” she hissed.

“Yes, I do, actually,” he replied simply, crossing his arms over his chest. His entire body felt like it was humming with electricity, the notion of being this close to her after everything that had happened making his skin prickle. 

Casey looked briefly up at his face again, scrunching up her nose in distaste. “Are you _drunk_?”

“Not even a little bit,” he said, without missing a beat. It was only half truth, or a half-lie. He was merely buzzed, but his mind was in optimal condition, all his senses heightened and alert.

She tried to sidestep him again. “Move.”

Derek cleared his throat, ignoring her request. “May I speak to you in private, please?”

Casey narrowed her eyes at his chest. “You may not.”

He sighed. He really didn’t have the time, or the inclination to play the patient game. He was done with games, in fact. He needed to talk to her and he was going to, even if he had to drag her out with him kicking and screaming. 

His hands went to her shoulders, gently. She tensed up instantly. He lowered his head closer to her so he didn’t have to shout so much to be heard, and Casey snapped her head the other way, her frown still set firmly in place.

“Okay, I really need to say this. And you need to hear it,” Derek said, with utmost seriousness. “If not for me, then for the family, because it will be pretty awkward when we have to go back home on break and you’re not even acknowledging my existence, don’t ya think?”

Casey scoffed, face still turned away from him. “No, I think I can come up with something by then.”

“Do you _know_ our family? They’ll never be satisfied with _anything_ you tell them until they find out _exactly_ what happened. I think we better get our story straight.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” she snapped. 

“Five minutes,” he promised. “Give me five minutes and I’ll leave you alone.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, how about _no_?”

Derek felt the frustration in every inch of his body, but if this month of becoming a better person had taught him anything, it was patience – and, he’d always had perseverance. 

Plus, he always got what he wanted, and he wasn’t keen on changing that anytime soon.

“Yeah, I’m not accepting that answer, sorry.”

“Excuse me?”

“Just. Come here.” He slid his hand down her left arm – a remote corner of his brain taking notice of the goosebumps he left in its wake, and filing it to analyze later – and grabbed her hand. 

Casey planted her feet, resisting as Derek tugged on her hand, unwilling to budge. He thought it was an ineffective way to get what she wanted, which was doing the _complete opposite_ of what he wanted her to do. It would’ve been better if she tried to extricate her hand from his instead of tugging the other way, but for some reason she hadn’t seemed to think about that.

After a few seconds of that nonsense, Derek tried for the next best tactic. He stepped close to her again, still refusing to let go of her hand, and leaned into her ear. “People are watching, Case.” She stiffened, and he watched in fascination as the skin of her neck flushed pink. He could smell her perfume, and it was _so_ familiar, it kicked him in the chest. His voice wavered a little bit. “Do you _want_ me to throw you over my shoulder and carry you out myself? Because I _will_.” 

Casey let out an outraged huff and Derek resisted the urge to smile, because he knew she knew better than to call his bluff. He started dragging her by the hand, his whole arm tingling as he pushed his way towards a back door, where he knew the club had a little patio area. It was pretty early in the night, so chances where that it would be empty.

“So, now you resort to kidnapping, huh?” she drawled from behind him, “I certainly underestimate how far you’re willing to go just to get your way.”

Derek rolled his eyes as he pushed the patio door open. “I’m not kidnapping you, Casey. I’m just asking you to listen to me for five minutes, and then you are free to walk away.” _Again._

The door slammed shut behind them, and the chilly night air hit them. He felt her shudder through where their hands touched. 

“Still being held against my will, though,” she said. Away from the loud music, it was the first time he heard her voice clear enough, and it sent a rush of _something_ through his entire body. 

He stopped walking when they got to the far end of the patio, and turned to look at her. She wrenched her hand away from his and crossed her arms, her eyes set on the fairy lights adorning the little tree beside him. 

“Look,” he began, “I know you hate my guts, and you want nothing to do with me. And you can stay mad if you want to. But just – hear me out. And if after this you still want me gone then I’ll fuck off and leave you alone forever. I promise.”

He watched her as she silently deliberated, her teeth worrying at her bottom lip. Her sparkly silver top clung to her waist, and it seemed to tie at the back of her neck, leaving a generous cleavage that she inadvertently pushed up with her arms. He wondered if she was cold. Her hair was done in thick curls, and it looked shiny and soft. What had she been up to? Her eyes were painted a glittery gray that made them look dark and mysterious; it surprised him that she was not wearing her signature sparkly blue eye-shadow. How much had she changed?

Trying to get information out of the fam through phone calls was not the same as having her standing right in front of him, so close, yet so far away. He felt that box inside of him rattle, the feeling overwhelming him. 

Casey exhaled softly through her nose, and then, in a clipped tone she said, “Okay, talk.”

Her permission was all he needed for the words to start rushing out of him.

“I’m sorry, okay? _I’m sorry_. Case, what I did to your hand I –“ He looked down at her right hand, nails painted black and rings on her fingers, not a sign of a bruise in sight. It was like it had never happened, but it _had_ , and every time he closed his eyes he could still see that moment, how her face had screwed up in pain, the feeling of his stomach falling to the floor. “I should have looked, okay? No, scratch that. I should have never slammed the door in the first place.” He swallowed hard. “It was unnecessarily violent and rude, and I hurt you and I’m so fucking sorry. I would never, _ever_ hurt you on purpose,” he stressed, hoping against hope that all of his sincerity was coming through in his words. “I know I can’t take it back, but I just need you to know that. I’d _never_ do that on purpose. Okay?”

He stopped talking momentarily, catching his breath after his rant. Casey stayed carefully still, face still turned towards the tree. Derek realized that at some point during his speech, her eyes had filled with tears, and his heart squeezed inside his chest at the sight. After a few seconds, she nodded slightly in agreement, biting down hard on her bottom lip, her watery eyes reflecting the fairy lights.

His heart jumped at the small acknowledgement, and he took a deep breath to continue. “And about all the shit I said that day…” He saw her flinch slightly, a tear escaping with her blinking. He was slightly taken aback that this mention seemed to hurt her more than the hand incident. His voice turned a tad desperate. “I was having the _worst_ day –“ He shook his head. “ _All_ the days were sucking, okay? College sucks! And it sucks even more now than before, and I took it all out on you. I always take it all out on you and that’s wrong. I recognize it. I’m sorry I made you feel bad.”

When he was done talking, Casey’s face screwed up in anguish, more tears falling down her cheeks.

He fought the urge to reach out to her. “Case?”

She choked on a sob. “ _Fine_. I forgive you. Can I go, now?”

Derek felt his heart fall. Somehow, he hadn’t been expecting that reaction. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, exactly, given as this had been completely unplanned, but for some reason, he had thought that the options were either Casey forgave him and stayed, or she didn’t and left.

He wasn’t expecting her to forgive him and _still_ leave. 

Kind of dumbfounded, he blinked. “Yeah.”

Crying harder, Casey started to turn around to leave, but before she could take a single step away from him, his hand shot out of its own volition. He grabbed her arm and halted her movements, his mind reeling.

What was he doing? It was only fair to let her go now, that had been the deal. 

But he couldn’t. It wasn’t right. Something still felt unfinished, and despite recent events, he was still stubborn and selfish enough.

“No, wait. I can’t –“ he started. “I’m not done.”

“What do you want from me?” she cried, teary eyes on his chest.

Derek faltered. “I… I want…“ 

Casey was still half-turned away from him, and he’d thought that what he wanted the most after this whole month away from her was her forgiveness, but apparently he was wrong. The words weren’t coming to him to express exactly what he was feeling. He tried to catch her eyes to find some kind of answer, some clue of what to say there, but he couldn’t, because she still _wouldn’t_ – 

If only she would – 

He exploded. 

“I want you to fucking _look at me_!” he shouted and she jumped, her gaze automatically snapping up to his. The moment her big blue eyes connected with his own, it felt like he’d been hit with a shock of electricity, his whole body shaking with the intensity.“You haven’t looked at me in a month!” He was surprised and kind of embarrassed with how frustrated and desperate he sounded, shocked by his own admission. But he realized it was true. She wouldn’t meet his eyes, and he _needed_ her to look at him, he needed to be in the center of her attention. He never felt better than when she had her eyes on him. “What – what _is it_ with that? Why do you keep doing that?” _Why won’t you meet my eyes?_

Now that their gazes were locked, he saw the moment her expression changed from shock to anger, her eyes hard. “You want to know why I can’t look at you?” she said lowly, levelly. 

“Yes.”

“I’m ashamed,” Casey declared, voice still cold. 

Derek startled. “ _What_?”

“I’m ashamed, Derek!” she shouted, making him reel back “I’m so fucking embarrassed; I can’t bear to look at you!”

“Casey, what –“

She cut him off, going on a rant of her own. “I kept pushing. You didn’t want me around and I _kept pushing_ , like an _idiot_ , and it took you almost _breaking my fingers_ for me to finally take a hint!” She laughed drily, self-deprecatingly. “So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty fucking embarrassed.” 

She took a deep, shaky breath after she was finished yelling, a couple more tears making their way to the surface. Derek stayed there, frozen, without really knowing what to say. He’d known she felt some shame towards the incident – given the fact that she hadn’t told anyone about it – but he had thought that it was entirely centered on _him_ , on what _he_ had done. He never would have imagined she felt this way.

Once he got over his stupor, he started shaking his head, because she was wrong, she was _so wrong_. “What? Casey, that’s not – I know it _looked_ like it, and I’m sorry, but I never meant for you to leave… to _leave me_ , I just needed you gone in – in _that_ moment not, not _forever_. I want everything to go back to normal,” he said, but she was already shaking her head too.

“I don’t want you to hang around me just because you feel guilty about what happened – and yeah, I know you feel guilty Derek, you’re not fooling anyone. I’m just giving you what you want,” she sobbed.

“Of course I feel fucking guilty, Casey! I hurt you!” he exclaimed, frustrated. 

“And I forgave you!” she yelled. “You can stop feeling guilty now, and go live your life.”

“That’s not – _No_. That’s not what I want _at all_.”

Silence fell between them after that, both staring at each other, breathing heavily and not really knowing what to say. Derek watched Casey as she calmed down, silently wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“I started therapy,” she said, after a while.

“What?” Derek asked, confused as to where the conversation went. 

Casey sighed, her arms coming up to hug her waist. “Yeah, on Thursdays. I talk to her about you.”

His heart tripped. “Oh,” he said, lamely. 

“And I told her about that day…” she said, meeting his eyes sadly. “And everything you said, and everything I did. And how it all ended.”

Derek felt dread start to build up low in his belly. Wherever this was going, he didn’t think he liked it. He swallowed hard, “And?”

Casey ran her hand through her hair, and took a deep breath. “I’m pushy, okay? I’m a pushy person. I like things a certain why, and I like people to act how and when I want them to. And that’s something I need to work on. That day, you –“ Her voice broke. “You _asked_ me to leave you alone, and I should have respected that.” She scoffed. “But, I’m pushy.”

Derek nodded slowly, trying to follow her line of thought. “Is that what your therapist told you?”

“Kind of,” she said. “Not exactly in those words, but she _did_ think that I needed to take some time for myself.”

“Time away from me?” His voice wavered.

“Yes. But for me, not you.” She took a step closer to him, her eyes falling to his chest again. “After I told her everything you said, well, she told me that she didn’t think that you wanted me gone forever either. That’s partly why I was so confused when you came over. But I wasn’t ready to tell you all of this then.” 

Derek remembered that day he had visited her, and how strange she’d been acting. She was nervous, and she seemed almost desperate to get him to leave. She had absolutely refused to hear him out. It made sense to think that she was dealing with more stuff, still stuck in denial and her anger towards him.

“Then, if you…” he started, looking for the better way to express himself. “If you knew it was all in the heat of the moment... Then, why did you push me away?”

Casey’s hands came up to her face, and she rubbed her temples tiredly. She frowned at him, and she looked uncertain for a moment. 

“It’s just…” she began, her voice small. “You came in there like _nothing_ had happened. And you _always_ – and this felt like the last straw…” she trailed off, shaking her head, like she didn’t know how to talk to him about this. 

Derek took a step closer to her, “I always what?” he asked.

“You’ve always made me feel…”

His heart jumped up to his throat. “What?” he prompted.

Casey buried her face in her hands, embarrassed. “Forget it.”

Heart in his throat, Derek grabbed one of her wrists gently. “No, Case. Say it.”

Casey dropped her hands, one still in Derek’s hold, although she didn’t acknowledge it. The other pushed into her hair, grabbing at it anxiously. 

She lowered her voice. “You make me feel –“ But she looked down when she said the last part, and he couldn’t catch it.

Derek furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “What?” he asked again, softer this time. 

She closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath before meeting his gaze full on. “You make me feel unwanted.”

This time, his heart definitely broke – there was just no way that it could keep on doing its function after he just felt how it constricted and bent, how something _shattered_ inside his chest. He let go of her wrist and took a step away from her, ignoring the look of hurt that passed through her features. 

What could he say to that? He couldn’t refute by saying that he _wanted_ her, because that would sound weird. Although, he realized, not entirely untrue.

Derek tried to speak through the lump in his throat. “God, Case. That’s not – that’s not how I feel about you.”

“Then how _do_ you feel about me?” she snapped, harshly. His stomach rolled over. _I don’t know._ “Derek, all you’ve done since the moment you met me was reject me. How was I supposed to take what happened that day?” she said, her voice cracking again. “I know you’re not good with words, but you never _show_ me that you want me around either.”

“Come on, Case,” he said, pleadingly. “You helped me graduate high school. You taught me how to drive. You helped me write that song for Sally… Those are all examples of me wanting you around. You’ve always been there for me.”

Casey shook her head weakly. “Those are all examples of me doing things you weren’t willing to do yourself.”

“No,” Derek said firmly, taking one final step towards her, making her tilt her neck back to look up into his eyes. “All of those are examples of me needing you.” And he couldn’t believe he just said that. “I need you.” Her eyes widened, and it looked like the entire night sky was reflected on them. She had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. He swallowed the realization trying to push its way into the surface, firmly holding the metaphorical box closed. He couldn’t get distracted. It was crucial that he got all of it out. “Case, you make me… We’re better when we are around each other. We’re better.” 

“Derek…” she whispered.

“And all the things I’ve done for you…” He thought about defending her from all the scumbags, like Truman and Scott. He thought of calling her dad. Of dancing with her on fucking national TV. “You know I’ve been there for you too. I’ve showed you I care a lot of times, and if that wasn’t enough – I understand it’s on me.”

She just stared at him, mouth slightly open, her eyes filled with wonder and something else he couldn’t quite decipher. 

“But I’ll make it up to you,” he said, “I’m a jerk. I’ve always been a jerk to you, and I went too far and I’m sorry Case, I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I – “

“Please. I don’t want to push you away; I almost drove myself insane without you this past month. I… I want you in my life.”

He held his breath.

“Okay,” she said, quietly, simply.

The moment lingered in the air as they stared at each other, uncertain. And Derek couldn’t take it anymore.

He reached out with both hands and grabbed her arms, pulling her flush against his chest in a tight hug. 

It was like both of them exhaled in relief at the same time. Casey melted into the embrace, tucking her head under his chin, and he breathed her in, her vanilla perfume invading all of his senses, his heart hammering erratically in his chest, which she could probably feel. She didn’t comment on it, though. 

“If I had known all I had to do to get a freaking hug from you was ignore you for a month, I would have done it much sooner,” Casey said, and he could feel the smile in her voice. Then, she snaked her hands up his sides and readjusted, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tighter. 

He breathed out a laugh against her hair, and her little admission of how much she had been craving a hug from him trembled through him like a shockwave, the feeling so strong he had to get even closer to her. So, he lowered his arms a bit around her and lifted her slightly off her feet, giving them a little, joyful spin.

“De-rek!” she squealed in his ear, and _oh_ , the effect it had on him was earth-shattering. He quickly realized it was his new favorite sound in the world.

The moment felt perfect in all its glory. He’d never hugged her before; always escaping the moment she extended her arms towards him. _You make me feel unwanted._ He tightened his arms around her. It felt fitting that the first time he did, it was the hug to end all hugs.

She laughed into the crook of his neck and a shiver went down his spine. Still feeling giddy all over, he reluctantly set her back on the floor. 

They pulled apart, and she looked up at him with one of her radiant smiles. He wavered a little on his feet. 

“Let’s go dance,” she said, extending her right hand towards him.

How could he refuse her? 

\---

They ditched their friends, instead opting to spend the rest of the night in each other’s company. He bought them round after round of drinks as if they were celebrating _(he was)_ , and it only took little convincing for Casey to give in. 

He was surprised, but she seemed to be just as euphoric as he was – being together again, letting go of the hard feelings and just having fun together. He’d always loved when this side of her came out.

They danced close together, goofing around. He spun her wildly a couple of times, heedless of the weird looks they were getting from the people around them, making her laugh hysterically, the million of ‘De-rek’s yelled in an hour enough to make up for the lack of them in the past month.

At some point he was so drunk, on both happiness and alcohol, he stopped paying attention to how close they were, or what was appropriate and what wasn’t. 

Was it cool if he held Casey’s hips as they danced? Was that normal for them? Did his heart always do somersaults when she laughed? 

Had he always had such a hard time looking away from her mouth? Had she noticed he had barely looked away from her face in the past hour and a half? 

Derek felt like his chest was on fire. Casey kept on moving tantalizingly, expertly. Her hips swaying and her arms snaking around his neck, throwing her head back to laugh. Pandora’s box was rattling inside of him, aching to burst open, and in his drunken and ecstatic state Derek felt just about dumb enough to open the lid and peek inside.

He just wanted _so much_ all of a sudden. It was a as if he couldn’t get enough of her, even if she was mere inches away. Derek needed her closer, he needed more. She looked so beautiful, her make-up smudged from crying, her blue eyes sparkling and a smile easily set on her lips, pink and soft-looking.

Would it be totally insane if he just kissed her right now? She was _right there_. 

Casey was moving back away from him before he could make up his mind, her arms falling from around his neck, and the distance helped him realize that _yes_ , it would be absolutely fucking _insane_. 

This was _Casey_. He couldn’t kiss Casey. 

How drunk was he? 

He was a little struck by his own thoughts, and Casey gave him a funny look.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she shouted over the music, her nose scrunching up adorably.

Derek kept staring at her, unable to look away from her mouth, absorbed. “I’m way too drunk.” _And you’re finally looking at me, and you’re smiling and laughing, and you look so beautiful. Can I kiss you, by the way?_

The urge was so powerful that he couldn’t help but grab her hand and tug her closer, leaning into her ear. “Can I k–“ 

Someone bumped hard against them, sending them both stumbling sideways. Derek reached out and grabbed Casey’s arms to stabilize her. She laughed amusedly at the little incident, her eyes finding his again, pinning him to the spot.

“Me too!” she said.

His heart tripped.

“What?”

Casey leaned closer. “I’m _way_ too drunk, too!”

Oh, right.

_You’re drunk out of your goddamn mind, Venturi!_

Wasn’t this exactly his problem? Acting on impulse without thinking first? He’d spent the past month trying to separate himself from the guy who slammed doors on his first impulse, and here he was, fantasizing about _kissing Casey_ without stopping for a moment to think about what _that_ would entail.

He couldn’t keep doing things like this, without a plan, without any sort of consideration of the future, or of Casey herself, who had _finally_ forgiven him less than two hours ago. 

And there he was, about to go and fuck it all up again just because he suddenly got the urge to kiss her. 

Her words resonated in his head. _Time to grow the hell up._

Derek took a deliberate step away from her, extricating himself from her intoxicating aura. He needed more room if he was going to think clearly. He thought he saw Casey pout a little at his actions, but he shook his head and looked away from her. Someone bumped into him from behind, yelling a drunken ‘Sorry!’ in his ear.

“This is getting too crowded,” he told Casey.

“You wanna leave?” Her face fell a little.

“Yeah, let’s go,” he said, grabbing her hand. Her face lit up again, and his heart fluttered.

As it turned out, getting out of the club didn’t do anything to diminish the feeling growing inside of him, or how her presence beside him affected him.

Casey halted on the sidewalk, tugging on his hand to get him to stop walking. He turned towards her and his breath caught in his throat. She was looking up at him through her lashes, and thoughts like _‘you are drunk’_ and _‘don’t be stupid’_ were a chorus in his mind.

Their eyes met intensely.

“Did you want to ask me something?” she said.

He swallowed, her eyes following the movement of his throat. “What?”

She pointed backwards with her thumb. “Back there, I could have sworn…” She trailed off, biting her lip. “You were about to ask me something.”

A beat, then –

“No. No, it was nothing.”

\---

They ended up at a McDonalds. They sat and ate junk food, talking about everything and nothing. In his still buzzed state he told her everything. About his college experience, his insecurities and homesickness, and how much he had missed her, teasing her about how he needed her to help him with schoolwork and stuff. 

All the while, she watched him with so much care in her eyes; he didn’t know how he hadn’t realized before that she was easily the most important person in his life, the one who had gone through everything with him, and the one that would always be there. 

And that feeling, everything inside that damn box was leaking out of his every pore, and he felt exposed, and torn between the urge to shut it all down and run away – or embrace it, shout it from the rooftops, open the box all the way. 

They took the bus back to Queens. All the while Casey pointed out landmarks to him, explaining in earnest, hiccupping softly in between phrases. Derek couldn’t take his eyes away from her. The way her eyes lit up when they passed a place she had read about before coming to college, how she thought she was speaking quietly but was actually loud enough for all the passengers to hear her perfectly.

And suddenly, he knew what was happening to him.

They got to her dorm, stumbling a little up the stairs of the building. They reached her apartment door, and she turned around to send him a mischievous smile.

“I’m gonna have to ask you to clear out a little from the doorway, Derek.” 

He looked at her confusedly and she shrugged.

“I just thought I should be careful with you and doors,” she teased.

Derek rolled his eyes in disapproval, but the corners of his mouth quirked up slightly. “Not funny.”

Casey giggled lightly. “Too soon?”

He just shook his head, unable now to hide his smile.

She opened the door, and leaned against the frame. “Goodnight, Derek.”

They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment in the dim-lit hallway. Her hair was mussed and one of her bra straps was falling down her arm. She laughed a little, as if she found the whole staring contest amusing.

And yep, there was no denying it, he was _fucked_.

He inhaled. _I love you._ He exhaled. “Night, Case.”

She smiled softly and went inside the apartment, closing the door behind her.

Derek stayed there, shaking his head disbelievingly. “Oh, fuck,” he chuckled to himself.

Pandora’s box was wide open, and out were spilling all of its contents, tangling through his extremities like grape vines, rushing through his bloodstream with every beat of his hammering heart, overwhelming him.

It just so figured, that he would get himself out of a problem only to fall right into another. 

Then again, he remembered Liz saying that there was one thing left in the box.

_The end._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, before any of you buys a plane ticket to come and kick my ass, I _did_ say in the tags that this was pre-relationship!! Sorry! It wouldn’t have been good for Derek to just kiss Casey then even if I wanted him to. Although, he now knows he loves her, so that’s something. Right? *laughs nervously*
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked the ending to this story! I had so much fun writing it, thank you for reading.
> 
> I was so tempted to have Casey say something along the lines of “Kayaking?” when Derek goes “Can I k–“ But I didn’t. Someone should write that, tho. 
> 
> With all that being said, see you guys soon, when I finally get inspired to finish my goddamn Soulmate AU.
> 
> \- Mey


End file.
